I’m writing this to you while you find yourself in the trenches of infertility. I’m not putting the date on this, which is going to make you mad. More mad than the negative pregnancy test you slam dunked into the trash can this morning, but then dug out later to see if it became positive. Stop doing that. I can tell you that not one of those negative tests you throw out EVER becomes positive. And stop taking apart tests, because you’re officially losing it and it’s unsanitary and gross.
You’re two years into this infertility thing with two losses. I hate to tell you, but this isn’t the last time you will go through that, and the next time will be much worse. But wait, before you throw your hands up, raise the white flag and head back to bed not wanting to face another day with this hard truth. I want you to know something. This feeling won’t be forever, I promise.
I know pregnancy announcements can be incredibly hard. And yes, they really do come at the absolute worst times, you’re not crazy for thinking that. Baby showers are hard on the heart too, but you need to be happy for those who are blessed with such a precious gift even though you haven’t been yet. You’ll spend one shower hopped up on the fertility drug clomid, literally choking back tears the entire time. You’ll make it just long enough to hug the beautiful mom-to-be, pat her bump, and then you will lose it in the car, so bring tissues. And text your husband on the way home to let him know that no one died. Because you won’t be able to even get the words out that, “those baby booties she pulled out of the bag were so cute and so tiny and so perfect and you’ll never have a baby to wear baby booties.” And don’t be mad at him when he finds out that yes, that was the reason you were hysterical and he doesn’t understand.
Speaking of husbands. Stop telling him he doesn’t understand, he literally can’t understand what you’re going through. He doesn’t have a burning desire to be pregnant, he doesn’t know what it’s like to have a beating heart inside of you one day, and not the next. He doesn’t physically go through the process or have the crazy hormones you go through. He just wants to make you feel better. So thank him even if his words don’t help. And thank him that he never ever makes you feel like it’s your fault you can’t have a baby, even when biologically, it is. A guy who encourages you to pray about it, rather than sulk in a pity party and always points out that you really do have a good life, and have been blessed abundantly thus far. I know you want to give him children and how lucky are you that he doesn’t care one bit how they get here. He’ll be a good, good father someday, but you already know that. And he will react to a dirty diaper exactly how you think he will. Super dramatic with a lot of gagging.
I know right now you’re so desperate to be pregnant and it seems like it’s the only way to become a mother, but it’s not. I could tell you it’s not a good idea to go through with IVF, but you wouldn’t listen. Right now your plan is to go through IVF until it works or you go broke trying, so I can imagine you’ll be surprised to know that you walk away from a free second cycle. You’ll also find yourself in front of the head Dr. at the IVFNJ clinic and she will tell you that surrogacy is probably your only option at this point. You’ll feel hopeless, defeated and broken. But it’s not the end, even when it feels like it. You’ll realize that being parents is more important than being pregnant. You’ll have someone who loves you so much offer the gift of surrogacy to you if you want it. You’ll be presented with an opportunity to foster, and you’ll find yourselves at an adoption orientation with a bunch of other hopeful couples.
I wish I could say you handle this infertility journey with grace, but that’s not true most of the time. You’ll have to work through jealousy, bitterness, envy and doubt. You’ll wonder many times, “Is all of this pain worth it?” But here’s the good news, motherhood does come to you.
I could tell you how and when. I could break it down every event which will lead you there and tell you the time and date, but I won’t. I won’t because so much of the unknown and heartbreak you’re going through right now will test your faith and draw forth more of it. It will give you compassion and empathy for those who struggle so hard for a baby. It will give you a deeper appreciation for life and the One who creates it. It will teach you to Trust God with your plans and wait on His timing even when your prayers seem to go unanswered and fall on deaf ears. You wrote these words down a few months ago by Robert Knill, “Those blessings that are labored for, that cause much trial, anxiety, watchfulness, that are not given very easily, are yet given freely, that we should prize and value them…though we may have been kept waiting for a considerable time, and perhaps almost given up, really concluding it was of no use. Have you not been there sometimes, something told you that you would never attain the blessing? How often we have seen the waters move, and others round us stepping in! Wherever there is the life of God, there is faith and there will be a hanging on of Christ, a leaning on the Word of God; and by very opposite faith will actually grow and increase.” You’ll read them again, after you’re on the other side, and you will have a better understanding of it and a greater appreciation of the promises you are reading in Scripture right now that you think can’t possibly be for you.
So let me tell you that even though it doesn’t feel like it now, He will truly give you more than you could ask or imagine, because I just tucked your…err..our(ok this is getting weird) baby in his crib for the night and he looks at you and smiles at you like you’re the greatest thing ever. Like you make his rocking world go round. Yep, it’s a boy! I know you kind of wanted a girl (and no, you are not wrong thinking that pink tutu you saw in Target really was worlds cutest) but you’ll feel silly for ever thinking you wanted a girl because you love having a son. Oh and he doesn’t look anything like you, but he’s really cute! And he might not always think you’re the funniest person in his life, so soak up those giggles while you can. So that question you kept asking, “Is all of this heartbreak worth it?” Yes. it’s more than worth it.
Peace, love, and baby snuggles,